Relationships... Friendships...People. The definition of fucking awful. I dont know how I pick the people around me... I always seem to end up in the fucked up situation. A shitty life, I can deal with. I can take it.
But these feelings, these situations, with other living breathing people.
If you had told me things would be this way a few years ago, Id probably tell you youre an idiot and laugh in your face.
Stupid, stupid old Rene... You were so much better... No, no you werent. You were just simpler... Screwed up, too many problems, over emotional, but so much simpler.
The days when I could just go to my computer, messed up and crying, and post to blogdrive. And everything would feel just that little bit better, messed up but better. I had two friends that new mostly everything about me, and even if they didnt I didnt mind them reading my posts, because I knew they would understand whatever I wrote about.
Now I just feel like everythings stuck in my head. I cant even write it here. I just cant do it... Two of the methods that worked so well, I cant use anymore.
And it feels so bad...
It feels like theres no escape. Like there used to be...
I fucking hate change...

I just want to be old Rene... Atleast she knew how to deal with things
I want my friends back. I want my life back. I just want things to be the way they were a few years ago...
So badly...

I never realised how good some friends can make you <deleted> feel. I know they can put you through shit, and sometimes they take alot of maintenance. But I dont think you realise how good it is to have them around, untill you dont see them forever.
Then you speak to them, and you wonder what kind of idiot you were to ever think you didnt need them.
Everyone has their place in this big puzzle. big... big puzzle. Called my screwy life. Everyone comes together with their little inputs into one big friend machine that spouts fuzzy happiness and glowing exteriors, most times, if not all. And I think you can really miss that sometimes.
Eh, if I dont love my life, I atleast love some of the people in it.

It can be surprising to remember the people who really mean something. And it can surprising to remember how you forgot them.
I guess you can believe in yourself too much sometimes

ugh. I wish I knew what was wrong with me. I just feel so screwed up. I have no reason to feel this way at all...
I keep on trying to blame people around me, but theres nothing wrong with them. Its just all me. I keep on trying to say "just wait things out till that happens, then itll be ok." But how would that help, when its me Im not ok with?
I just wish I could change things.
Everything would be so different.

I feel like I cant even be my normal self, because I cant feel enough to give to other people. I just want to be alone somewhere....
and I dont know why...

I wrote an entry. It got deleted... Basically it said: I feel lost. I dont know what Im doing. Why am i fucking around with iTunes on a saturday night? Its not like it would be hard to find something better to do.
"oh, here is a lemon. Let me cut it in half and pour its juice into my eye. Im already having more fun!"
It also said something about the cosmos giving me a map with a star on one side, "You Are Here" and a question mark on the opposite side, "Where you Should be" and in the middle they chucked a whole field of cluster fucks, mountains, valleys, pits of venemous leprachauns and the only help they bothered to give me was a pat on the back and a nail clipper. They also forgot to somehow tell me that inbetween all that are groups of blood sucking people that are there to "help" you, and by help they mean screw around with you, only talk about themselves and make you remember exactly what you arent and where youre not.

AND WHY AM I ALWAYS PASSIVELY ANNOYED
I will take a moment of teenage angst while I can, and say I wish everyone was dead...
I will now take my second moment of teenage angst ever and say I wish I was one of them

I will now take a liberty of an author and not read what the hell i wrote
***************this part is censored************************
goodnight

Ive made a huge mistake....

discoveries of a socially awkward shitty person.
Feel like buying that book?

Fuck. I dont even know what to do anymore.
Just, fuck...
Everytime.

a) write some dark story
b) something arb to make me feel better

*just sits*

It seems that, everyone you think you should be able to trust, turn out to be the ones that you can’t ever rely on. I kind of knew that Id always do things myself, but it’s never really hit home. I really have to do everything alone.
I don’t even know how people I care for and love could make me choose between them and something else, yet, it’s always been that way. Yay for ignoring everything until it hits you in the face, Rene. *thumbs up* It’s SO much more exciting...
Except, I don’t know how that happened. When I do so much for everyone, and never ask for anything, but when I do its out of the question entirely. Is it because I never ask so they never think they should have to? Because you see, I thought that because I never asked, when I finally do they would go out of their way to help me...

Ill just have to do everything myself. Make my own plans.

Lacking in strength and naivety in excess apparently...

Im surrounded by fucking perfect people. I have to keep being stronger and harder just to cope without constantly falling on my face.
I cant keep doing this

I had something meaningfull I wanted to write here. Something that i really wanted to get off my chest all weekend. But it really just seems trivial now.
I guess nostalgia just got the better of me for a moment...
Amazing how nostalgia is the one that gets me, every time.
Bad memories! Bad. Down boy