Have you ever had those moments, when you realise how much youve been taking someone for granted? Or not even that, just when you realise how much you really need them. It almost wants to make you relive the whole time youve spent with them, just so you can appreciate it properly, and do all the things you should have.
*has the case of the fluffies*
i is floffy ...

WARNING: Something more positively pointless than whats written below could not be found. Bugger off before its too late

So im a push over. Ill put everyone else before me if i can. And Ill sit and worry about my friends, even when they dont ask me to. Mostly when they dont ask me to...
But i dont think ive had one friend, that at some point hasnt mentioned that i dont share my feelings or my life with them. Everyone comes to me, and tells me whats on their mind, whats going wrong, the good things happening. Everything. But I dont. Usually ill only tell them if they ask specifically.
Ive been wondering why I do it. I thought maybe it was because  when im with my friends, i want them to happy. Thats why when theyre upset, i talk to them about it. When theyre happy, I try and keep them happy. I dont burden them with my problems or what im going through, because i dont like seeing my friends miserable.
But that just makes me sound like a bloody martyr.
Which im  clearly not...
(...Sitting here trying to think of another reason why has taken me over 10 minutes...)
Sometimes i think i just like suffering alone.
I also thought, maybe I dont want to let anyone in. But i do. I like sharing my life with people.
Then i thought, maybe I dont like telling people how i feel because usually i dont even know how i feel. So when they ask me, my usual answer of "i dont really know" is almost always correct. My feelings change so often, that to continually tell people all the deep and convoluted thought processes that go on could take hours and confuse them even more than i usually do (which is...alot?!) I switch back and forth between view points so often, that i dont even know how i feel anymore.
But thats honestly  just pathetic
Maybe i dont want to tell people, because they usually reject my feelings
maybe i think their feelings take priority over mine, that im more capable of dealing with my problems, than they are of theirs, therefore they shouldnt worry/hear about mine and i should help them.  (an astounding combination of martyrdom and a superiority complex! wow. im so proud. only i could possibly come up with and pull that off...)
Then i figured out, that i was right when i said im not a martyr, and/or an amazing person (that everyone has up untill now been absolutely BLIND in thinking) (like you can be blind when you think....)

(cue scene of therapists room, with me sitting in a couch alone, talking to myself  [obviously] whose sitting in a chair opposite me)

*nods and taps her pencil on a clipboard* So, its a parental blame complex?
Well no.. i mean, ive always felt responsible for how my family feels, and how theyre getting along. If somethings wrong, i need to fix it. Atleast talk to someone in the situation about it, and try and get them to work it out. Ill always feel like i have to help them because almost all the situations stem from me. and NO. Before you start with "its not your fault" crap, it is. Plain and simple truth. I dont sit and guilt trip myself about it all day. I dont sit in dark corners and cry myself into an emo submission before i face the world because i feel everything pressing on me. I simply see alot of the problems that occur having stemmed from something ive done.
Yes, yes, i know. Those problems really happened because of someone elses reaction, how they take the situation, and what they do about it. It was/is their personal choice about how they react to something. But that stimulus was from ME.
Again, its not terribly depressing, i dont need to pay some 40 year old man to talk to me about it for hours on end just to come to a conclusion i could have come to myself fairly easily (see? me talking to myself was not because of budget cuts. purely common sense) But thats merely my reason why i take my family as my responsibility. Theyre people i love, after all, with all my heart and soul. (no matter how desperately annoying some of them can be)
*snickers and covers her mouth with her hand*
*looks around and glares at herself* *faces the window again and carries on*
This is a perfect example of why i thought i didnt talk to people because my thought processes were convoluted by the way. holy crap.
*yawns against the clipboard*
SO. Not a parental complex...?
Well no. Let me move back to my friends.
I think i dont get myself (MYSELF) involved (not them, i get as inovled into them as i can. please...dont ask why... im trying to desperately explain this part enough. Im sure youll enjoy reading an essay about that another time O_o "enjoy") with them.
I read something today that i wrote an age ago. I dont even remember writing it.

"Its ironic that the thing im most afraid of is being forgotten, but sometimes its the thing i try hardest to achieve. I want people to ignore me, but remember me. Because im too afraid to have an active role in their life, but i want to be a part of it anyway. Atleast with a memory, you have no responsibility"

Aaah! *scribbles something down furtively, and looks up*
this makes PERFECT sense. You desperately want to be with people, to help them and make an impression on them. Yet youre confused about what relationship you want. One part wants to leave a mere "foot print in the sands of time", if you will. You want the love, yet not the (added) responsibility of always being there for them. Thus the loop with your parents and family. Youve had enough of that from them.
*sighs* but theres this thing, where i say i want to be ignored, yet still remembered. For one, that makes absolutely NO sense. And two, when someone relies on me, i get the most amazing feeling. Like, "yes, i am one of the only people they can really talk to. and i can be there for them. i will!" and i make a point of always being their for my friends. But its like, if i seperate myself from them by not letting them know the deep parts of me, i can still keep a little barrier. And when i want to step back, and be alone; when i want to think by myself and be solitary again, its not that hard because i can tell myself I dont need them. They havent helped me, they dont know me, they dont need me. Which is also why i know im not a martyr in any form of the word. Ill not talk to people for a while, because ill suddenly only think of me. And desperately want to be alone. Ill just for no (apparent) reason shrug off all their burdens and fall into myself.
See? I can almost see myself shouting "BITCH"
bitch!
...
yes, but... what i think is thats kinda bullshit. Well that whole last part anyway. Its more like i create what i fear. or in this case, what i fearfully want? I want them to ignore me, to make me feel like i have a reason to be a lone (I HAVE NO F'ING CLUE) but they only ignore me because i dont share my feelings with them. So, theyre not really ignoring me... just not taking me seriously, because all i am to them is a happy joke. (to be fair...im a stupid nut around them...) So, in fact its really my fault.
*mumbles "guiiiiilt compleeeex" under her breath*
I have the best most loyal friends, they just dont care about my feelings because i apparently dont have any, because i dont SHARE them.
Its like i want to be everything im not. I want to be a martyr?!
*Raises her eyebrow and stares at herself*

.... what?

...You know what you really are?
Fucking complicated!
*slams her clipboard down on the table and storms out the room*





*fidgets dissapointedly on the couch, after an unsuccesfull search for a glass bowl of mints hidden somewhere in the room.....*

The reason why I refuse to take existentialism as just another French fashion or historical curiosity is that I think it has something very important to offer us for the new century. I’m afraid we’re losing the real virtues of living life passionately, sense of taking responsibility for who you are, the ability to make something of yourself and feeling good about life. Existentialism is often discussed as if it’s a philosophy of despair. But I think the truth is just the opposite. Sartre once interviewed said he never really felt a day of despair in his life. But one thing that comes out from reading these guys is not a sense of anguish about life so much as a real kind of exuberance of feeling on top of it. It’s like your life is yours to create. I’ve read the postmodernists with some interest, even admiration. But when I read them, I always have this awful nagging feeling that something absolutely essential is getting left out. The more that you talk about a person as a social construction or as a confluence of forces or as fragmented or marginalized, what you do is you open up a whole new world of excuses. And when Sartre talks about responsibility, he’s not talking about something abstract. He’s not talking about the kind of self or soul that theologians would argue about. It’s something very concrete. It’s you and me talking. Making decisions. Doing things and taking the consequences. It might be true that there are six billion people in the world and counting. Nevertheless, what you do makes a difference. It makes a difference, first of all, in material terms. Makes a difference to other people and it sets an example. In short, I think the message here is that we should never simply write ourselves off and see ourselves as the victim of various forces.
It’s always our decision who we are.

Today was really weird. i found my old doll that i used to carry everywhere, when i was really tiny, 3-4.
Well it has this music box inside it, and when i heard it again it was really hard to listen to.

still, i guess it sounds creepy if you didnt love it when u were small... and we all know how i love creepy! so i recorded it.
mostly because i wanted to and im random
download or risk suffering a severe spinal chord injury provided by moi


how to keep your spine    <--

I just played the hippo game in the bath... im such a 5 year old. bubbles are cooool...

Thanatology is the study of death. It covers not only the emotions and grief surrounding the victim and their family members, the situation it happened, and the social conception of it, but also the physical manifestations before and after death. Its mainly studied in the hope to better know how to provide psychological and physical comfort to those going through it.
Even though most people study thanatology do it because they believe that life is valuable, and as death is the end of life, it makes the study of it worthwhile by association, Thanatology doesnt directly explore the meaning of life.
Naturally, you would never think that to find out what life is about, you should study death. But its probably one of the only ways TO discover what life is about. People can go through their life, just going day by day, not bothering to make a change or try and steer their life in the direction that they really want. Sure theyll go to school, get the right job, marry someone and have a family. But thats not necessarily a recipe for success. You have to take an active role in your life.
Have you ever noticed how much of a jolt a funeral is? Or even how just hearing that someone died shakes people? It makes people realise how short life is, how much they have left that they want to do. That they should be enjoying the moment, instead of waiting for the goal at the end.
And then you think, maybe death is just rebirth. Albeit the rebirth of someone elses life, because they find out they dont have as much time as they thought.
And maybe the meaning of life is to inspire other people to be better than they already are. To inspire them to be all they can be. And that theres one last thing you can do with death

Origin of the Grim Reaper:
Originally formed from a misconception in early Hellenistic etymology, where they mistakenly related the god Cronos with time, because of the similarity with the prefix chronos - (greek for time). Cronos was actually the god of harvest, and carried a sickle that he used to harvest crops. But because of the mistake, he was often depicted as Father Time, and his sickle was later on changed to a scythe (also harvesting tool) Father Time was then depicted as the Grim Reaper, coming to claim souls with his scythe when they had lived up their time.
The irony is that being a harvest deity, he was really a god of rebirth and prosperity, representing the crops and abundance of food.
This is where you then return to the idea that maybe the depiction of a harvest deity as the grim reaper wasnt such a mistake, but we just looked over the real reason historians chose it. That death might just be a rebirth, a beginning instead of an end, and even after crops have been harvested, they still provide for the people left living.



This is what i do with my time at 2 am ._.

Im not your normal teenage
no one
goth freak psycho
nut
Hidden under layers of
bravado and false worth

I pretend that i
dont care
when your words contain
a sting,
and i refuse to
flinch
when looks are thrown
like stones.

I laugh when called
unique cause
i know ive stopped
believing
that for once you wont contain me in a
box.

And while you yearn for
anonymity
i cant bear the
brutal silence and
the way that death will drag
my name into the
grave

So however eyes may
judge me
and stare as they
walk past me,
I'll be sitting here forever with
my hopes and dreams
out open.
With my thoughts and fears displayed
and a placcard with
"Your life's a
hopeless fraud"

wow...im so pathetically emotional lately. i nearly cried while watching scrubs O_o and there was an advert for a movie on tv, and i nearly cried again.... im like, OMG NO?!?!
im sorry. i dont DO that
it must be a virus or something....

I was trying to think of what to say here that wouldnt sound emo or retarded.
The only outcome of that excercise was that i found out its physically impossible for me to do that. WOW. isnt that cool?? its almost like a super power. only 100 times less usefull
ive started to become slightly addicted to air freshener... probably cz you always need it when you live with my brother, but also cz its fun to whip it out infront of people and randomly spray it in their face O_o
it really is fun.
and hygenic!

i wonder when April will come....

Sometimes,  you just want to believe. You want to believe so badly.
Believe that inside, everyone is good. That they have a heart inside.
Believe that there really is someone thats looking out for you. Someone thats looking out for everyone. And they believe.
You want to believe that everything happens for a reason. All youve been through has a purpose. Not just that you can find something good in something bad, or a reason in an event, but that it really means something. That youre part of a bigger picture. That oneday the things that have happened to you, lead you somewhere youre meant to be.
i dont want blind faith. That implies that youre not sure if youre right, that what you believe is true.
I dont want to just think that im right either. That there is infact a reason you go through things, because they "make you who you are, and something good will always come of it."
i want to know. i want to believe. And i want for it to be true

if youre a smart ass, you can say, "its called the Bible."
Well, youre a smart ass so shut up.
Everyone has to find their own faith, their own reason to believe. But you never know if its real, or if its just something called conviction.
Maybe thats all that believing is.
Just believing in you. In that youre right, that there is something else.
But then maybe, it might also be something called Dellusion.

Can i come back in a few years with a conclusion?
or maybe some belief

Moms are notoriously intuitive, and intune to their kids.
But dads are strange too. They work in mysterious ways. You think they dont have a clue whats going on, and oneday you trip, and theyre already in position to
    catch you
       when you fall